Waiting for the Shoe to Drop

Is that the right cliche, or have I managed to birth an entirely new cliche of two cliche parents?

Tomorrow is weigh-in day for Week 2. I've done really well this week, even better than last week. I feel peaceful. I feel confident. I feel good about my choices, and I feel like my body is all of a sudden svelte and rightly contoured. (I told C, my fiancee, that it was his responsibility to make sure I didn't wear some horrific peice of spandex because I think my body is better than it is -- seeing as how I've only been losing weight for two weeks, I don't think I've gone from a size 32 to a size 8 in that time.) I haven't had cravings. I'm not doing great on exercise right now, but I have the tools to do so and it will just take a bit more discipline getting up in the morning when my alarm goes off instead of turning it off and sleeping in for another hour. Yet I find my shoulders are tense like I'm waiting for something to jump out of the dark and onto my back. Yes, it's the failure monkey.

I've dieted SO many times I've lost track. And with each diet, I've felt a sense of hope during the first two or three or even four or five weeks that slowly evanesces as I begin to cheat, to make excuses, or to just flat out quit. Even though my current Lifestyle Change is not a diet, fad or otherwise, I am beginning to experience tiny tendrils of fear that the great feelings I have right now will disappear like they always have in the past, and this time next year I will still be fat and unfit.

I'm trying to tell myself that this Lifestyle Change is different. Why/how is it different? 1) I've lost my sense of urgency. Instead of caculating and recalculating how many pounds and ounces I will need to lose per week to reach an unrealistic goal weight in an unrealistic amount of time, I'm focusing on each day, each week, and my monthly goal. (15 pounds in march -- I know this is a high number, but my weight is also really high right now and I think with my basal metabolic rate, I can stand to lose that much without cutting a dangerous amount of calories.) 2) I'm allowing myself a realistic eating plan. The diets I've followed in the past require that you cut out all sugar, perfectly balance your carbohydrates and fat, or adhere to strict low-cal, low-fat foods (no diary in one diet!). The penalty for introducing sugar into the bloodstream, not eating a balance of carbs and proteins, or eating diary was that the delicate metabolic balance created by these eating habits was thrown out of whack and weight loss would slow or stop. With the Lifestyle Change, I'm not cutting out anything for good. I mean, I haven't had ice cream in two weeks, or Coke (oh, my god, I LOVE the first sip of cold Coke out of a can), or chips. But I have had a chocolate chip cookie (yes, just one!), two slices of pizza, and Mexican food. I'm just trying to make better every day choices, and I think I'm succeeding. The allowance of a few treats here at there has resulted in a lack of cravings and no feelings of deprivation. I'm not worried that if I DO have a cold can of Coke (and eventually I will) that my metabolic balance will be shot and my diet ruined. Instead, I realize that if I have that can of Coke (or cookie) I need to tighten up my belt the next day and watch my sugar and calorie intake. I have a sense of freedom that I've never felt before. I'm not telling myself what I'll eat when I'm "done" with my diet. I'm not looking forward to a cheat day, or being jealous of how "normal sized" people eat. I realize now that this is exactly how normal sized people eat -- healthy 90 percent of the time, with the occasional treat (not the frequent binge).

This post is getting way too long, but it really feels good to write about my fears and also write about why my fears probably don't have a basis this time. I didn't realize how strongly I felt about it until my fingers started typing -- I'm so glad I did!