Friday, July 20, 2007
Friday, July 6, 2007
Week 18 Weigh In: 303.0/298.8
In the 200s, woohoo! What shall I do to celebrate? Not eat, certainly. I bought a new jean jacket (in a size 22, which is nutso -- it's a petite so it doesn't hit the massive horror that is my hips and brings my size up from 22 to 26 on the bottom) over the weekend while I was still above 300... so, more clothes or something else? Decisions, decisions...
Week 15 Weigh In: 309.0/307.0
A few weeks behind, so I'm just going to post them all in separate links today.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Week 14 Weigh In -- 311.2/309.0
It's been a verra stressful week at work, but it is thankfully over for now.
I started with a personal trainer today, so walking might be a problem tomorrow. ;)
Happy Weekend!
I started with a personal trainer today, so walking might be a problem tomorrow. ;)
Happy Weekend!
Friday, June 1, 2007
Week 13 Weigh In -- 315.4/311.2
I have no idea what's going on. I felt fat this week, so I thought for sure I was in for no loss/very small loss this week, and I'd come to terms with that. Also, I'm retaining tons of water -- I can feel it in my calves and ankles. But I'm not complaining. ;)
I start working with a personal trainer next week. I want to keep the metabolism speedy, but also want to make sure I'm improving my all over fitness, not just my cardio.
Have a great weekend!
I start working with a personal trainer next week. I want to keep the metabolism speedy, but also want to make sure I'm improving my all over fitness, not just my cardio.
Have a great weekend!
Friday, May 25, 2007
Week 12 Weigh In -- 319.2/315.4
I don't understand my body, I just don't. I'm not complaining, but I don't understand how I can have a loss like this during a week that I ate like 1300 calories a day, and not lose anything at all during a week I ate 1000 calories a day AND did more exercise. But, as I look back at my archives and my weight-record that I keep on paper, I can see that this is nothing new. To wit:
3/1/07 -- 355
3/7/07 -- 348
3/14/07 -- 349.5
3/17/07 -- 344.6
3/24/07 -- 342.6
3/30/07 -- 334.6 (!!!! -- What the hell? Why???)
4/4/07 -- 333.4
4/10/07 -- 335.0
4/13/07 -- 331.6
4/20/07 -- 327.6
4/27/06 -- 325.2
5/4/07 -- 321.2
5/11/07 -- 321.2
5/18/07 -- 319.2
So at least if I freak out next week, I can look at this and see that it's not something I'm doing wrong now versus last week -- it's just been the freaking unpredictable pattern.
Happy Weekend!
3/1/07 -- 355
3/7/07 -- 348
3/14/07 -- 349.5
3/17/07 -- 344.6
3/24/07 -- 342.6
3/30/07 -- 334.6 (!!!! -- What the hell? Why???)
4/4/07 -- 333.4
4/10/07 -- 335.0
4/13/07 -- 331.6
4/20/07 -- 327.6
4/27/06 -- 325.2
5/4/07 -- 321.2
5/11/07 -- 321.2
5/18/07 -- 319.2
So at least if I freak out next week, I can look at this and see that it's not something I'm doing wrong now versus last week -- it's just been the freaking unpredictable pattern.
Happy Weekend!
Friday, May 18, 2007
Week 11 Weigh In -- 321.2/319.2
If I lose 2 lbs a week for 80 weeks, I'll be at my goal weight. ;)
Happy weekend!
Happy weekend!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Week 10 Weigh In -- 321.2/321.2
I weighed in on Friday, but had such a crazy busy weekend I couldn't post. So I will weigh-in again this Friday, May 18.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Obesity "Gene"?
My early morning surf usually takes me to the New York Times Online, and today was no different. On the front page, I found this article on whether or not obesity is a 'natural' condition for some people's bodies, based on their genetic code. I read the article with an open mind, though my instinct is to discount such theories because 1) I want to feel as though I am master of my domain, so to speak, and NEED to believe that if I work hard enough, I can control my weight and my health and 2) I've seen the power of environment on my parents, who were thin throughout my entire childhood, and who gained weight upon becoming sedentary -- they stopped playing recreational sports and working out in their 30s, and started gaining weight, though neither has reached the heights of obesity that I can lay claim to. Anyway, because I am aware of this personal bias, I made every attempt to read the article with a positive, friendly mindset. Yet several things about the studies stood out as unscientific to me, and I wondered how the author of the article could have overlooked these important issues.
One of the major points used to justify the hypothesis of the article is that in the few studies cited, formerly obese people's metabolisms were in starvation mode compared with "naturally thin" people's metabolisms who gained and then lost weight. Forgive me for being trite, but, duh. The individuals in one study cited were given 600 calories per day on a liquid diet. They lost more than 100 pounds in a very short amount of time due to severe calorie restriction. There was absolutely no mention of exercise in their program, which leads me to believe that there wasn't any. Of course their metabolisms appeared to be starving -- they were! Other studies seemed to follow the same pattern -- they focused on calorie restriction as means to weight loss, rather than the combination of healthy eating and exercise. The final evidence used to support the hypothesis is that in studies of adoptive children and twins, those with biological parents who are obese tended to be obese themselves. I have a couple of beefs with this. First of all, what's the standard deviation compared to the rate of obesity in the population at large? Secondly, if 80 percent of children have the obesity gene from at least one parent, why aren't 80 percent of us obese? The article closes with an ominous comparison of a formerly obese person's drive to eat to a normal person's need to breathe, which the scientist urges the formerly obese person to resist. Snort. Either that's a horribly inaccurate analogy and the drives are not on a similar level of intensity, or you are telling people who have this horrible genetic tendency that they should not do something that is as essential to their bodies as breathing. So which one is it, doc?
Reading articles like this always piss me off. I'm a social scientist, not a 'hard' scientist, but even I, with my piddling, bumbling introduction to the scientific method know that any study that does not take into account the effect of exercise on metabolism is not strictly scientific -- it does not look at all causal variables, and makes a conclusion that purports to explain a phenomenon with multiple causal variables. There is an argument to be made, equally as compelling as the genetics argument, that our modern sedentary lifestyles contribute to the obesity epidemic as least as significantly as genetics. I'm certainly not saying that genetics doesn't play a large part, but correlation does not necessarily equal causation.
For my part at least... I've been obese since childhood. I've lost and gained a whole person. My metabolism is pretty dang slow. Yet I can say with complete honesty that since I started eating properly (getting in my five fruits and veggies per day, I can say that I regularly eat 1000 calories a day without feeling deprived) and exercising, I have not been hungry or had cravings, not one single time in two and some months. I guess I must have a genetic anomaly.
One of the major points used to justify the hypothesis of the article is that in the few studies cited, formerly obese people's metabolisms were in starvation mode compared with "naturally thin" people's metabolisms who gained and then lost weight. Forgive me for being trite, but, duh. The individuals in one study cited were given 600 calories per day on a liquid diet. They lost more than 100 pounds in a very short amount of time due to severe calorie restriction. There was absolutely no mention of exercise in their program, which leads me to believe that there wasn't any. Of course their metabolisms appeared to be starving -- they were! Other studies seemed to follow the same pattern -- they focused on calorie restriction as means to weight loss, rather than the combination of healthy eating and exercise. The final evidence used to support the hypothesis is that in studies of adoptive children and twins, those with biological parents who are obese tended to be obese themselves. I have a couple of beefs with this. First of all, what's the standard deviation compared to the rate of obesity in the population at large? Secondly, if 80 percent of children have the obesity gene from at least one parent, why aren't 80 percent of us obese? The article closes with an ominous comparison of a formerly obese person's drive to eat to a normal person's need to breathe, which the scientist urges the formerly obese person to resist. Snort. Either that's a horribly inaccurate analogy and the drives are not on a similar level of intensity, or you are telling people who have this horrible genetic tendency that they should not do something that is as essential to their bodies as breathing. So which one is it, doc?
Reading articles like this always piss me off. I'm a social scientist, not a 'hard' scientist, but even I, with my piddling, bumbling introduction to the scientific method know that any study that does not take into account the effect of exercise on metabolism is not strictly scientific -- it does not look at all causal variables, and makes a conclusion that purports to explain a phenomenon with multiple causal variables. There is an argument to be made, equally as compelling as the genetics argument, that our modern sedentary lifestyles contribute to the obesity epidemic as least as significantly as genetics. I'm certainly not saying that genetics doesn't play a large part, but correlation does not necessarily equal causation.
For my part at least... I've been obese since childhood. I've lost and gained a whole person. My metabolism is pretty dang slow. Yet I can say with complete honesty that since I started eating properly (getting in my five fruits and veggies per day, I can say that I regularly eat 1000 calories a day without feeling deprived) and exercising, I have not been hungry or had cravings, not one single time in two and some months. I guess I must have a genetic anomaly.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
Changes
Yesterday, C was tired, and I went for the Sunday Shop at the grocery store alone. It was late in the day, the sun just beginning to set, and the parking lot was almost deserted. Instead of my usual hand-held basket, I got a cart, and began shopping. I filled my basket with cans of crushed tomatoes, ground turkey, sliced turkey breast, whole wheat bread, romaine lettuce, strawberries, onions, garlic, a few light TV dinners for those emergency moments where cooking isn't an option, dry curd cottage cheese, skim mozzarella. I put my purchases on the conveyer belt and refused help out to the car. I loaded the groceries into the trunk, and as I put on my seatbelt, I realized something. Lifting and carrying heavy grocery bags is easier than it used to be; I no longer heave myself in and out of the car; I don't have to pull the seatbelt out to its longest setting. These are very small things, very small effects of the thirty pounds I've lost so far, yet they are profound, and important.
It has been shown by neuroscientists that human beings can remember the experiences of pleasure, pain or ease, but they can't feel the sensations. So while we recall that something was painful or pleasurable or easy or hard, we don't get the oomph that comes with the actual experience. We begin to forget the pain, lose the memory of the pleasure. I've been doing it for decades with my weight. Forgetting the embarrassment of not being able to fit in a seat, not noticing when my feet got sore from standing too long, generally ignoring all goings on beneath my neck as a coping mechanism. And every day I woke up and forgot it all so that I could stay sane and okay enough with myself to just keep going, to keep living. I can't say there has been all that much pleasure to my physical existence, other than the time I spent with C, so I haven't lost any memories there.
My mother is my height, and used to keep her weight between 130-150 pounds. In the last five years, she has gained more than 100 pounds, and is for the first time in our lives, morbidly obese, like me. She frequently tells me what it feels like to be thin -- I don't know the feeling, because I have never been thin -- but I think I am finally beginning to get a glimpse. Getting healthier, getting thinner, isn't going to come with some kind of bright golden light and revelatory, seismic shift between fat and thin. It's going to be marked by little things, like getting up from the couch without any effort, like being able to sit Indian-style without my legs going to sleep, like putting on clothes and not having them cut painfully into my belly. I never realized how much those things hurt until now, when they're gone. I'm writing this down now because while I know I will forget the sensations, I want to remember feeling them.
It has been shown by neuroscientists that human beings can remember the experiences of pleasure, pain or ease, but they can't feel the sensations. So while we recall that something was painful or pleasurable or easy or hard, we don't get the oomph that comes with the actual experience. We begin to forget the pain, lose the memory of the pleasure. I've been doing it for decades with my weight. Forgetting the embarrassment of not being able to fit in a seat, not noticing when my feet got sore from standing too long, generally ignoring all goings on beneath my neck as a coping mechanism. And every day I woke up and forgot it all so that I could stay sane and okay enough with myself to just keep going, to keep living. I can't say there has been all that much pleasure to my physical existence, other than the time I spent with C, so I haven't lost any memories there.
My mother is my height, and used to keep her weight between 130-150 pounds. In the last five years, she has gained more than 100 pounds, and is for the first time in our lives, morbidly obese, like me. She frequently tells me what it feels like to be thin -- I don't know the feeling, because I have never been thin -- but I think I am finally beginning to get a glimpse. Getting healthier, getting thinner, isn't going to come with some kind of bright golden light and revelatory, seismic shift between fat and thin. It's going to be marked by little things, like getting up from the couch without any effort, like being able to sit Indian-style without my legs going to sleep, like putting on clothes and not having them cut painfully into my belly. I never realized how much those things hurt until now, when they're gone. I'm writing this down now because while I know I will forget the sensations, I want to remember feeling them.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Week 8 Weigh In -- 327.6/325.2
I hate to bitch about a solid almost 2.5 lb weight loss, but I swear to god, I don't understand my body at all. This last week has been THE BEST week I've had since I started this program -- calorie wise (1200 or less per day), fat gram wise (30 or less per day), and exercise wise (5 hours of moderate to high intensity cardio). So WTF is going on? A little, evil voice is whispering in my head, "Take some supplements, take some supplements," but I know this voice is not concerned with my health. I guess I should focus on the positive -- I've done a lot of good for my heart this week with all that cardio, and I've put healthy, efficient fuel in my body in the right amounts.
I didn't meet my April goal after all, which is probably part of the reason I am upset. However, I would have met the goal if I hadn't gone on vacation and gained that pound that week. Trying to cheer myself up here -- doesn't help that I've talked to my mom and to C, my fiancee, and they both clucked with disappointment.
I didn't meet my April goal after all, which is probably part of the reason I am upset. However, I would have met the goal if I hadn't gone on vacation and gained that pound that week. Trying to cheer myself up here -- doesn't help that I've talked to my mom and to C, my fiancee, and they both clucked with disappointment.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Week 7 Weigh In -- 331.5/327.6
Woohoo! Down is a Good Thing. I'm still six pounds from reaching my April goal (damn you, Easter vacation, damn you), but this week is my Water Retention Week, so I might be able to reach goal when the PMS water flushes out of my body.
I hope everyone has a good weigh-in and a fabulous weekend!
I hope everyone has a good weigh-in and a fabulous weekend!
Friday, April 13, 2007
Week 6 Weigh-In -- 335.0/331.5
Woo hoo! I might be able to reach my April goal after all, which is fantastic news. It definitely helps with the motivation to do my cardio. Sorry for the short post -- I plan to write something tonight or tomorrow about the "obesity gene" stuff that's plastered all over the news.
Happy Weekend!
Happy Weekend!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Week 5 Weigh In -- 336.4/335.0
I was out of town for the Easter holiday from Wednesday to Tuesday. I weighed on Wednesday before I left and was down about 1 lb. I weighed again yesterday and was down another .5 lb. Considering my exercise schedule went to shit over the 6 days we were gone, I don't feel too bad about that. I've realized that no matter how well/what I eat, my body NEEDS exercise to loose weight. I'm back on track since I've been home, and will again weigh in on Friday to get back on schedule.
I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday -- I'm already ready for my next vacation!
I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday -- I'm already ready for my next vacation!
Week 5 Weigh In -- 336.4/335.0
I was out of town for the Easter holiday from Wednesday to Tuesday. I weighed on Wednesday before I left and was down about 1 lb. I weighed again yesterday and was down another .5 lb. Considering my exercise schedule went to shit over the 6 days we were gone, I don't feel too bad about that. I've realized that no matter how well/what I eat, my body NEEDS exercise to loose weight. I'm back on track since I've been home, and will again weigh in on Friday to get back on schedule.
I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday -- I'm already ready for my next vacation!
I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday -- I'm already ready for my next vacation!
Friday, March 30, 2007
Week 4 Weigh In -- 343.2/336.4
Told you I was retaining a lot of water last week! I've changed weigh-in day to Friday because my weekends tend to be hectic and unpredictable and I can't really create a weigh-in routine (i.e. same time of day, etc.) on Saturdays. So Friday it is, and Friday it shall stay. Except for next week because I am on vacation at my mom's. I will weigh in on Wednesday before I leave and again on Monday night when I get back, just so I know. ;)
I am very excited about a loss this big, though in my heart I know it is probably at least 50% water. I just want to be able to do 2 pounds a week, consistently. Anything more than that is gravy. I guess my doctor was right -- I really do need to do the hour-long sessions of cardio to make my metabolism stay revved up.
However, no cardio for me today or yesterday because I am super duper sick with the head cold from hell. I worked out on Wednesday, and by that afternoon, I thought I was going to croak. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and at least be able to go out for a walk.
Happy weekend!
I am very excited about a loss this big, though in my heart I know it is probably at least 50% water. I just want to be able to do 2 pounds a week, consistently. Anything more than that is gravy. I guess my doctor was right -- I really do need to do the hour-long sessions of cardio to make my metabolism stay revved up.
However, no cardio for me today or yesterday because I am super duper sick with the head cold from hell. I worked out on Wednesday, and by that afternoon, I thought I was going to croak. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and at least be able to go out for a walk.
Happy weekend!
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Week 3 Weigh In -- 344.6/343.4
Well, the scale is showing only a 1lb loss. I'm not too worried about it though because I spent most of yesterday in a car traveling and had a very salty dinner, so I think I'm retaining a least a pound or two of water.
I am having a hard time dealing with the snail's pace of my loss. It's hard for me to read other weight loss blogs where people consistently lose 2 lbs a week, or more. I wonder what I'm doing wrong -- yet my heart tells me there's not much I can do better. I am eating an average of 1500 calories per day, sometimes less, one day a week 1600 or so. I've biked 60 minutes and 50 minutes yesterday and today respectively, keeping my heart rate at 160 bpm. I feel good -- I'm not tired all the time, I have good energy, my mind is clear and alert. In short... I don't really understand why I'm not losing more weight. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to stop what I'm doing now. If anything, I am going to up my efforts, put in more time exercising. I want to do 6 hours of cardio per week, and 3 weight training sessions per week. I know that's a lot, but I don't know what else to do to up my metabolism.
I'm thinking about Hydroxycut or some other metabolic stimulant. Does anyone have any suggestions/experience with this? Thanks!
I am having a hard time dealing with the snail's pace of my loss. It's hard for me to read other weight loss blogs where people consistently lose 2 lbs a week, or more. I wonder what I'm doing wrong -- yet my heart tells me there's not much I can do better. I am eating an average of 1500 calories per day, sometimes less, one day a week 1600 or so. I've biked 60 minutes and 50 minutes yesterday and today respectively, keeping my heart rate at 160 bpm. I feel good -- I'm not tired all the time, I have good energy, my mind is clear and alert. In short... I don't really understand why I'm not losing more weight. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to stop what I'm doing now. If anything, I am going to up my efforts, put in more time exercising. I want to do 6 hours of cardio per week, and 3 weight training sessions per week. I know that's a lot, but I don't know what else to do to up my metabolism.
I'm thinking about Hydroxycut or some other metabolic stimulant. Does anyone have any suggestions/experience with this? Thanks!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Fallout
Ahem. So the Week 2 Weigh-In turned into a big debacle. I DID NOT BINGE, THOUGH. But boy, did I cry. I didn't cry all morning, but when I was on the phone with C, my partner, that afternoon, I just started to bawl and bawl and bawl. The first bawl was out of embarrassment. I felt like an ass because I'd been yammering on relentlessly about how wonderful it feels to finally be eating healthy and losing weight, and it turned out that I hadn't lost any at all! The second bawl was out of fear -- fear that my years of yo-yo dieting have finally caught up with me and my body was incapable of losing weight. The third bawl was because I felt like I had no control. I don't mean that in the sort of somebody-stop-me-I'm-out-of-control way. What I mean by control is that I have been closely monitoring my calorie intake and what I *thought* was my basal metabolic rate and calculated that I should have lost 3-4 pounds. So when I in fact gained weight according to the scale, I felt as though I didn't have a way to be in control of my weight loss. It's not enough for me, frankly, to eat healthy and exercise. I need to be able to predict my rate of loss and all that -- this entire episode showed me I was a control freak, that's for sure!!!
Anyway, I ended up going to see the doctor, not because I thought something was wrong, but just to get her advice. What I got was a grimace, and a "You're doing everything right, just increase your exercise." I said, "Can't you test my metabolic rate or something?" She said, "You have perfect blood pressure, perfect cholesterol, perfect blood sugar. There's no reason to test you." I said, "I have a BMI of more than 50. That's not a reason?" She said, "Not according to our medical guidelines." I think my eyes bugged out of my head. It was an eye-opening and frightening experience about our medical system.
So I ended up doing a lot of research and bought a scale that measures weight as well as body fat and water weight. Except my body fat percentage is too high right now to get a reading! Anyway, I hope/expect that will change over the next several weeks, but in the meantime, I've still got to rely on just my weight as a measure. However, I'm not as nervous about the new one because unlike my old scale, this one produces the same number if you stop onto it and off of it 5 times. My old one would fluctuate as many as 2 pounds up or down if you did the 5-time test. By the way, on Saturday night, after dinner, I weighed 344.5. If I had gotten that reading on Thursday, the freak out could have been avoided. But alas. As a result of my new scale purchase, and not knowing how the calibration is compared to my old scale, my new weigh-in day will be Saturday. So don't freak out if you don't hear from me on Thursday -- I'm not skipping!
Anyway, I ended up going to see the doctor, not because I thought something was wrong, but just to get her advice. What I got was a grimace, and a "You're doing everything right, just increase your exercise." I said, "Can't you test my metabolic rate or something?" She said, "You have perfect blood pressure, perfect cholesterol, perfect blood sugar. There's no reason to test you." I said, "I have a BMI of more than 50. That's not a reason?" She said, "Not according to our medical guidelines." I think my eyes bugged out of my head. It was an eye-opening and frightening experience about our medical system.
So I ended up doing a lot of research and bought a scale that measures weight as well as body fat and water weight. Except my body fat percentage is too high right now to get a reading! Anyway, I hope/expect that will change over the next several weeks, but in the meantime, I've still got to rely on just my weight as a measure. However, I'm not as nervous about the new one because unlike my old scale, this one produces the same number if you stop onto it and off of it 5 times. My old one would fluctuate as many as 2 pounds up or down if you did the 5-time test. By the way, on Saturday night, after dinner, I weighed 344.5. If I had gotten that reading on Thursday, the freak out could have been avoided. But alas. As a result of my new scale purchase, and not knowing how the calibration is compared to my old scale, my new weigh-in day will be Saturday. So don't freak out if you don't hear from me on Thursday -- I'm not skipping!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Week 2 Weigh In -- 348/349.5
Well, that's no good. I don't know what happened -- I ate REALLY well this week, much better than last week. By the numbers, I should have lost between 3-4 pounds based on caloric intake and exercise. I figure I must be retaining water like a water buffalo, but I just don't know for sure, and that's part of the problem. I haven't gone and binged or cried though, and that's an improvement over my usual response to an unusual scale reading.
I'm trying to call my doctor to set up an appointment with her. The control freak in me doesn't really want to involve my doctor in this process, but if that's the only way I can get an accurate scale/body fat percentage reading, then that's what I've got to do, right?
I'm feeling right now like I should DO something, but I don't know what. I've been trawling the net for scales with body fat analyzers, hand held ones, thinking about calling my doctor, etc. etc. I know that weight fluctuates from week to week, day to day, but that's a LOT of water. I don't think I'm making excuses for myself -- I have the evidence at hand, what I ate this week, so I can look back and say that while I at too much processed food on Saturday, every other day was virtually perfect from a nutrition perspective -- fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean proteins, minimal condiments. Sigh.
I can tell by just rereading this post that while I'm not feeling depressed, I AM rather frantic. Maybe that will rev up my metabolism, heh.
I'm trying to call my doctor to set up an appointment with her. The control freak in me doesn't really want to involve my doctor in this process, but if that's the only way I can get an accurate scale/body fat percentage reading, then that's what I've got to do, right?
I'm feeling right now like I should DO something, but I don't know what. I've been trawling the net for scales with body fat analyzers, hand held ones, thinking about calling my doctor, etc. etc. I know that weight fluctuates from week to week, day to day, but that's a LOT of water. I don't think I'm making excuses for myself -- I have the evidence at hand, what I ate this week, so I can look back and say that while I at too much processed food on Saturday, every other day was virtually perfect from a nutrition perspective -- fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean proteins, minimal condiments. Sigh.
I can tell by just rereading this post that while I'm not feeling depressed, I AM rather frantic. Maybe that will rev up my metabolism, heh.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Waiting for the Shoe to Drop
Is that the right cliche, or have I managed to birth an entirely new cliche of two cliche parents?
Tomorrow is weigh-in day for Week 2. I've done really well this week, even better than last week. I feel peaceful. I feel confident. I feel good about my choices, and I feel like my body is all of a sudden svelte and rightly contoured. (I told C, my fiancee, that it was his responsibility to make sure I didn't wear some horrific peice of spandex because I think my body is better than it is -- seeing as how I've only been losing weight for two weeks, I don't think I've gone from a size 32 to a size 8 in that time.) I haven't had cravings. I'm not doing great on exercise right now, but I have the tools to do so and it will just take a bit more discipline getting up in the morning when my alarm goes off instead of turning it off and sleeping in for another hour. Yet I find my shoulders are tense like I'm waiting for something to jump out of the dark and onto my back. Yes, it's the failure monkey.
I've dieted SO many times I've lost track. And with each diet, I've felt a sense of hope during the first two or three or even four or five weeks that slowly evanesces as I begin to cheat, to make excuses, or to just flat out quit. Even though my current Lifestyle Change is not a diet, fad or otherwise, I am beginning to experience tiny tendrils of fear that the great feelings I have right now will disappear like they always have in the past, and this time next year I will still be fat and unfit.
I'm trying to tell myself that this Lifestyle Change is different. Why/how is it different? 1) I've lost my sense of urgency. Instead of caculating and recalculating how many pounds and ounces I will need to lose per week to reach an unrealistic goal weight in an unrealistic amount of time, I'm focusing on each day, each week, and my monthly goal. (15 pounds in march -- I know this is a high number, but my weight is also really high right now and I think with my basal metabolic rate, I can stand to lose that much without cutting a dangerous amount of calories.) 2) I'm allowing myself a realistic eating plan. The diets I've followed in the past require that you cut out all sugar, perfectly balance your carbohydrates and fat, or adhere to strict low-cal, low-fat foods (no diary in one diet!). The penalty for introducing sugar into the bloodstream, not eating a balance of carbs and proteins, or eating diary was that the delicate metabolic balance created by these eating habits was thrown out of whack and weight loss would slow or stop. With the Lifestyle Change, I'm not cutting out anything for good. I mean, I haven't had ice cream in two weeks, or Coke (oh, my god, I LOVE the first sip of cold Coke out of a can), or chips. But I have had a chocolate chip cookie (yes, just one!), two slices of pizza, and Mexican food. I'm just trying to make better every day choices, and I think I'm succeeding. The allowance of a few treats here at there has resulted in a lack of cravings and no feelings of deprivation. I'm not worried that if I DO have a cold can of Coke (and eventually I will) that my metabolic balance will be shot and my diet ruined. Instead, I realize that if I have that can of Coke (or cookie) I need to tighten up my belt the next day and watch my sugar and calorie intake. I have a sense of freedom that I've never felt before. I'm not telling myself what I'll eat when I'm "done" with my diet. I'm not looking forward to a cheat day, or being jealous of how "normal sized" people eat. I realize now that this is exactly how normal sized people eat -- healthy 90 percent of the time, with the occasional treat (not the frequent binge).
This post is getting way too long, but it really feels good to write about my fears and also write about why my fears probably don't have a basis this time. I didn't realize how strongly I felt about it until my fingers started typing -- I'm so glad I did!
Tomorrow is weigh-in day for Week 2. I've done really well this week, even better than last week. I feel peaceful. I feel confident. I feel good about my choices, and I feel like my body is all of a sudden svelte and rightly contoured. (I told C, my fiancee, that it was his responsibility to make sure I didn't wear some horrific peice of spandex because I think my body is better than it is -- seeing as how I've only been losing weight for two weeks, I don't think I've gone from a size 32 to a size 8 in that time.) I haven't had cravings. I'm not doing great on exercise right now, but I have the tools to do so and it will just take a bit more discipline getting up in the morning when my alarm goes off instead of turning it off and sleeping in for another hour. Yet I find my shoulders are tense like I'm waiting for something to jump out of the dark and onto my back. Yes, it's the failure monkey.
I've dieted SO many times I've lost track. And with each diet, I've felt a sense of hope during the first two or three or even four or five weeks that slowly evanesces as I begin to cheat, to make excuses, or to just flat out quit. Even though my current Lifestyle Change is not a diet, fad or otherwise, I am beginning to experience tiny tendrils of fear that the great feelings I have right now will disappear like they always have in the past, and this time next year I will still be fat and unfit.
I'm trying to tell myself that this Lifestyle Change is different. Why/how is it different? 1) I've lost my sense of urgency. Instead of caculating and recalculating how many pounds and ounces I will need to lose per week to reach an unrealistic goal weight in an unrealistic amount of time, I'm focusing on each day, each week, and my monthly goal. (15 pounds in march -- I know this is a high number, but my weight is also really high right now and I think with my basal metabolic rate, I can stand to lose that much without cutting a dangerous amount of calories.) 2) I'm allowing myself a realistic eating plan. The diets I've followed in the past require that you cut out all sugar, perfectly balance your carbohydrates and fat, or adhere to strict low-cal, low-fat foods (no diary in one diet!). The penalty for introducing sugar into the bloodstream, not eating a balance of carbs and proteins, or eating diary was that the delicate metabolic balance created by these eating habits was thrown out of whack and weight loss would slow or stop. With the Lifestyle Change, I'm not cutting out anything for good. I mean, I haven't had ice cream in two weeks, or Coke (oh, my god, I LOVE the first sip of cold Coke out of a can), or chips. But I have had a chocolate chip cookie (yes, just one!), two slices of pizza, and Mexican food. I'm just trying to make better every day choices, and I think I'm succeeding. The allowance of a few treats here at there has resulted in a lack of cravings and no feelings of deprivation. I'm not worried that if I DO have a cold can of Coke (and eventually I will) that my metabolic balance will be shot and my diet ruined. Instead, I realize that if I have that can of Coke (or cookie) I need to tighten up my belt the next day and watch my sugar and calorie intake. I have a sense of freedom that I've never felt before. I'm not telling myself what I'll eat when I'm "done" with my diet. I'm not looking forward to a cheat day, or being jealous of how "normal sized" people eat. I realize now that this is exactly how normal sized people eat -- healthy 90 percent of the time, with the occasional treat (not the frequent binge).
This post is getting way too long, but it really feels good to write about my fears and also write about why my fears probably don't have a basis this time. I didn't realize how strongly I felt about it until my fingers started typing -- I'm so glad I did!
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Week 1 Weigh-In: 355?/348
My first post on this site was written almost three weeks ago -- or would that be exactly three weeks ago? Yes, I think it would be. At any rate, I've spent the time in between now and then ridding my house of junk food, slowing beginning an exercise routine, and basically building in some lifestyle changes. Lifestyle changes that seem to be working.
March 1 was my "official" start date, but I don't know of what because I am NOT on a diet. I'm trying to think of this as a new way of living, and my mindset is good right now. The primary tool that I'm using to help myself is www.fitday.com, a great website that allows you to track exercise, eating, weight, basically everything you need to know about your health. This site is really a god send to me right now -- I was having a lot of trouble getting my eating under control, but seeing the numbers, stark and undeniable, sort of shocked me straight, I guess you'd say. It's super convenient for me, moreso than keeping a traditional written food journal because a) there's a database of foods already available so you can just select the food and the amount and let the program do the calculations about fat, carbs, calories and protein and b) I'm on my computer all day anyway, so it's not a problem for me to quickly point and click in my foods when I've eaten something or done an activity.
Anyway, my loss this week has been anywhere from 2 to 10 pounds. I don't really know because my scale only goes up to 350 and I was definitely above that number for a while. I suspect the real loss is somewhere in between 2 and 10 pounds, probably more like 5. I tell you, it's quite a relief to finally be weighable again, though the scale can sometimes be the enemy! As I go through this journey, I'm going to try to remember that the number on the scale doesn't matter nearly as much as doing the things that will bring it down -- exercising, eating right, taking care of myself.
Cheers!
March 1 was my "official" start date, but I don't know of what because I am NOT on a diet. I'm trying to think of this as a new way of living, and my mindset is good right now. The primary tool that I'm using to help myself is www.fitday.com, a great website that allows you to track exercise, eating, weight, basically everything you need to know about your health. This site is really a god send to me right now -- I was having a lot of trouble getting my eating under control, but seeing the numbers, stark and undeniable, sort of shocked me straight, I guess you'd say. It's super convenient for me, moreso than keeping a traditional written food journal because a) there's a database of foods already available so you can just select the food and the amount and let the program do the calculations about fat, carbs, calories and protein and b) I'm on my computer all day anyway, so it's not a problem for me to quickly point and click in my foods when I've eaten something or done an activity.
Anyway, my loss this week has been anywhere from 2 to 10 pounds. I don't really know because my scale only goes up to 350 and I was definitely above that number for a while. I suspect the real loss is somewhere in between 2 and 10 pounds, probably more like 5. I tell you, it's quite a relief to finally be weighable again, though the scale can sometimes be the enemy! As I go through this journey, I'm going to try to remember that the number on the scale doesn't matter nearly as much as doing the things that will bring it down -- exercising, eating right, taking care of myself.
Cheers!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
You've Got to Have Faith
I created this blog more than two months ago, but I'm making my first post today. I wish I still weighed what i did back then -- Christmas and the January blues have combined to push my weight high enough that my scale won't even register my weight any more. :( If that's not a wake up call that it's time to start losing weight, I don't know what is.
So, here's a bit of personal history. I've been overweight since my earliest childhood memories -- which actually start around age 7 when my Mom got married to my Step Dick. I vascillated between being overweight and obese during childhood -- mostly based on whether or not I mustered a growth spurt. I spent a lot of time alone after school, and my favorite companions were television, books, and Chef Boyardee. We lived in the country, where it should have been easy to be active, but I'm an only child and didn't much see the use of playing outside by myself. My first diet was called "Thin Kids" and I started it at age 11. it was actually a very good program -- it emphasized exercise and play, and eating good, whole foods rather than processed junk. It was also 30 miles away in Shreveport. My Mom had to drive home from work, drive me back to town, and drive me back home. It lasted about four weeks. The next official diet was about 4 years later. Mom and I did it togther. Calorie restrictions and lots of exercise. We competed with each other, and it was very good for both of us, but then we moved and my Dad got cancer and my Aunt got cancer, and boy let me tell you, unless you have exercise and dieting as a part of your life from an early age, they are the first things to go when you're under a lot of stress and time restrictions. Which is stupid, really. Would you stop bathing if something bad happened in your life? Would you stop doing your dishes? Of course not. But that's what I've always done in my relationship with healthy eating and exercise. Since that diet, I've tried many, many more. Atkins (did anyone else get constipated?), LA Weight Loss (which was so restricted to tasteless foods that I lost weight by not eating anything at all), Body for Life (which actually worked really really well -- my body started to look good after only losing 25 lbs -- but I thought of it as a diet and so it was something I could "quit" which I did around finals week in my master's program), Dr. Phil (also worked well, but that one hit the cutting room floor around the time i took my next vacation), Winning by Losing (never really worked for me), and South Beach (which made me so lightheaded and energy deficient that I didn't last long). I figure in my life time I've cumulatively lost more than 200 pounds, and gained it all back, which is why I need to lose about 195 pounds right now to reach my goal weight of 160 pounds. The problem with having been on all these diets and letting them go and gaining the weight back is that I am having a crisis of faith in myself and my ability to keep off the weight I lose and to commit to losing weight in the first place. There are days when I am resigned to being a Fat Person. There are days when I believe that I have let myself become so incredibly obese because I get a payoff from it -- I don't have to challenge myself or push myself physically, and get to live entirely inside my head with this thing called my body participating only periodically in my daily existence. There are days when fear rules me -- what if I lose weight and have piles of loose skin? But most of my days lately -- and yes, I think about being fat every single day, at least once an hour -- are spent wondering if I will come through, if I will be able to commit, if I will be able to discipline myself to do this thing that is absolutely crucial to my physical, emotional and mental health. My faith in myself has been challenged. The question is -- will I become an athiest, and stop believing in myself at all? I don't think that's an option. I think I have to do this thing, or at least keep trying, because otherwise I'm giving up on myself.
My boyfriend and I are both sick of being overweight. Well, he's overweight. I'm obese. Morbidly so. But we both need to lose weight. As you've probably surmised, I've read most weight loss, fitness, and dieting books out there, as well as some popular blogs. From all that reading, I figure the number one most important factor in successful weight loss is programming your environment for convenient access to healthy food and exercise. That's part of what I was missing in my previous attempts. Either I didn't have access to a gym, or I didn't get all the junk food out of my house so I was tempted by it, or whatever. This is not to minimize my own role -- the hand that holds the fork is the hand that rules the hips. Or something. My will power -- or disaprin, as my friend J would say -- has been severely lacking. But when will power fails, what have you got left but your environment to keep you from jumping over the brink? So as a result of this reasoning, I have some new House Commandments:
1) Thou shalt not bring junk food into the house;
2) Thou shalt ride the exercise bike at least 5 times per week;
3) Thou shalt eat a balanced breakfast every morning;
4) Thou shalt consume at least 5 servings of fruit and vegetables per day;
5) Thou shalt keep an exercise and food journal;
6) Thou shalt plan your meals in advance;
7) Thou shalt set weight loss goals and rewards;
8) Thou shalt weigh in once per week;
9) Thou shalt be honest with yourself with the assistance of this blog;
10) Thou shalt not seek perfection, but progress instead.
My plan for this blog is to post weekly goals and rewards, to write about challenges and successes, and to seek understanding and health of and for my body.
So, here's a bit of personal history. I've been overweight since my earliest childhood memories -- which actually start around age 7 when my Mom got married to my Step Dick. I vascillated between being overweight and obese during childhood -- mostly based on whether or not I mustered a growth spurt. I spent a lot of time alone after school, and my favorite companions were television, books, and Chef Boyardee. We lived in the country, where it should have been easy to be active, but I'm an only child and didn't much see the use of playing outside by myself. My first diet was called "Thin Kids" and I started it at age 11. it was actually a very good program -- it emphasized exercise and play, and eating good, whole foods rather than processed junk. It was also 30 miles away in Shreveport. My Mom had to drive home from work, drive me back to town, and drive me back home. It lasted about four weeks. The next official diet was about 4 years later. Mom and I did it togther. Calorie restrictions and lots of exercise. We competed with each other, and it was very good for both of us, but then we moved and my Dad got cancer and my Aunt got cancer, and boy let me tell you, unless you have exercise and dieting as a part of your life from an early age, they are the first things to go when you're under a lot of stress and time restrictions. Which is stupid, really. Would you stop bathing if something bad happened in your life? Would you stop doing your dishes? Of course not. But that's what I've always done in my relationship with healthy eating and exercise. Since that diet, I've tried many, many more. Atkins (did anyone else get constipated?), LA Weight Loss (which was so restricted to tasteless foods that I lost weight by not eating anything at all), Body for Life (which actually worked really really well -- my body started to look good after only losing 25 lbs -- but I thought of it as a diet and so it was something I could "quit" which I did around finals week in my master's program), Dr. Phil (also worked well, but that one hit the cutting room floor around the time i took my next vacation), Winning by Losing (never really worked for me), and South Beach (which made me so lightheaded and energy deficient that I didn't last long). I figure in my life time I've cumulatively lost more than 200 pounds, and gained it all back, which is why I need to lose about 195 pounds right now to reach my goal weight of 160 pounds. The problem with having been on all these diets and letting them go and gaining the weight back is that I am having a crisis of faith in myself and my ability to keep off the weight I lose and to commit to losing weight in the first place. There are days when I am resigned to being a Fat Person. There are days when I believe that I have let myself become so incredibly obese because I get a payoff from it -- I don't have to challenge myself or push myself physically, and get to live entirely inside my head with this thing called my body participating only periodically in my daily existence. There are days when fear rules me -- what if I lose weight and have piles of loose skin? But most of my days lately -- and yes, I think about being fat every single day, at least once an hour -- are spent wondering if I will come through, if I will be able to commit, if I will be able to discipline myself to do this thing that is absolutely crucial to my physical, emotional and mental health. My faith in myself has been challenged. The question is -- will I become an athiest, and stop believing in myself at all? I don't think that's an option. I think I have to do this thing, or at least keep trying, because otherwise I'm giving up on myself.
My boyfriend and I are both sick of being overweight. Well, he's overweight. I'm obese. Morbidly so. But we both need to lose weight. As you've probably surmised, I've read most weight loss, fitness, and dieting books out there, as well as some popular blogs. From all that reading, I figure the number one most important factor in successful weight loss is programming your environment for convenient access to healthy food and exercise. That's part of what I was missing in my previous attempts. Either I didn't have access to a gym, or I didn't get all the junk food out of my house so I was tempted by it, or whatever. This is not to minimize my own role -- the hand that holds the fork is the hand that rules the hips. Or something. My will power -- or disaprin, as my friend J would say -- has been severely lacking. But when will power fails, what have you got left but your environment to keep you from jumping over the brink? So as a result of this reasoning, I have some new House Commandments:
1) Thou shalt not bring junk food into the house;
2) Thou shalt ride the exercise bike at least 5 times per week;
3) Thou shalt eat a balanced breakfast every morning;
4) Thou shalt consume at least 5 servings of fruit and vegetables per day;
5) Thou shalt keep an exercise and food journal;
6) Thou shalt plan your meals in advance;
7) Thou shalt set weight loss goals and rewards;
8) Thou shalt weigh in once per week;
9) Thou shalt be honest with yourself with the assistance of this blog;
10) Thou shalt not seek perfection, but progress instead.
My plan for this blog is to post weekly goals and rewards, to write about challenges and successes, and to seek understanding and health of and for my body.
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